Tell me what I need to work on and what I need to add.
 


Joe Joltz
12/14/2011 17:53

Crust:
- Try not to start all of your sentences with "The crust" because it is in paragraph form not point form.
- If you could try to get a video that is only focused on the crust. I recommend to go look at braingenie on Youtube.
- Earth is spelled with a capital E.
- If you could add some transitions so that it flows a little better.
- Maybe you could add some information talking about the oceanic crust and the continental crust.

Mantle:
- Try to find a video that is only about the mantle. Again, I recommend to check out braingenie on Youtube.
- You wrote that the mantle is the 2 layer of the Earth when it should say second.
- Again, Earth is spelled with a capital E.
- You can probably combine the first two sentences and make them a compound sentence to make it make a little more sense.
- Try not to repeat "the mantle".
- Kilometers is KM not just K.
- You could add some information on the upper mantle and lower mantle.
- You should say that the mantle is made out of magma.

Outer Core:
- Try to find a video. For the third time I'll say to check out brain genie for some useful videos on the Earth's structure.
- Again, kilometers is KM not just K.
- Earth is spelled with a capital E.
- Try to find a picture that only shows the outer core. (If I didn't mention it earlier do it on the pages that need it.)

Inner Core:
- Try to find a video focused on the core. Look above for my recommendation.
- Earth is spelled with a capital E.
- Try to find an image focused on the inner core.
- Try to not repeat "the inner core" all the time.
- If you can find any more info it would be good because your page is looking a little bare.

Overall it's good, but you can improve.
:)

Reply
Joe Joltz
12/14/2011 18:07

Positive Comments:

Crust:
- I like how it tells all the information that you really need very quickly and to the point.

Mantle:
- I like how you said that the mantle starts 30KM down because I didn't see too many sites with that.

Outer Core:
- I like how you said that the outer core is the "Liquid" core of the Earth. I just felt that that was a little more descriptive.

Inner Core:
- I like how you said "Studies say that the inner core is the hottest part inside the Earth." instead of "The inner core is the hottest part of the Earth."
(By The Way, it should say studies show but it's still fine. :P)

:)

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Goda
12/14/2011 19:44

Crust:
- You need to fix a little of grammar like km.
- I think you nedd way more info
-Better picture for your curst, I couldn't really tell.
-Better video. It need to be just about curst.

Reply
Goda
12/14/2011 19:49

Mantle:
-Better video
-Way more info
-Few grammar mistake

Inner Core:
-Way more info
-Better video
-Put in the right section

Reply
Goda
12/14/2011 19:51

Outer core:
-Please put more info
-Better picture
But great job!!

Reply
Cleopatra
12/14/2011 20:54

Crust:
Try not to start all of your sentances with "The crust". You could add more detail about the oceanic and continential crust. Other than that good job.

Mantle:
You need a lot more information (more detail). You talked a little bit about the upper manltle but not at all about the lower, you could add to that. Keep working on it :)

Outer core:
There is very little information on this page. A lot of the information is repeated. This is a page I think you really need to work on. You can do it :)

Inner core:
If you could find more information it would be good because theres not much there. I noticed you repeated "the inner core" alot try any work on that. Over all great job

I love the clean look of all your pages

Reply
Mr. Hong
12/14/2011 21:00

@ Johnny - Remember that your writing should show that you are trying to teach others about the topics you have researched. Try to make it a little more interesting for your audience by using transition words in your work and by varying your sentence structure.

@ Everyone - Great feedback! Keep up the good work!

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Goddess Athena
12/14/2011 21:26

Crust:
- On the first line,instead of putting ' The crust covers the mantle and the outer core', you could say ' The crust is the outer most layer of the earth.'
- You could have added more information about the crust.
- In some areas you put capitals when you didn't need to like on the third line you capitalized 'crust' and you didn't need to capitalize km.
- Over all you did a awesome job!

Mantle:
- You could have added more information.
- You capitalized many words that didn't need to be capitalized like mantle and km.
- You made some spelling errors.
- You could have joined many sentences like ' The upper mantle is solid rock and is about 1000 degree's celsius.'
- Over all you did an awesome job!

Outer core:
- You could have added more information. You can also get information from your textbook.
- You can change the sentence ' People say that it is said to be molten' to ' Many people said that the outer core is molten' and ' The outer core is made of iron and nickel, the nickel and iron are melted' to ' It is made of molten iron and nickel'.
- You need to put km not just k and it doesn't need to be capitalized.
- Over all you did an awesome job!

Inner Core:
- You could have added more information.
- You dont need to capitalize inner core.
- Instead of starting your sentence with inner core all the time, you could use pronoun's.
- Over all you did an awesome job!

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